Dilemma
Earlier, I have thought of this thing. I am lucky enough that I’m surviving my life in the midst of pandemic, I can buy whatever I want, I can eat anything whenever I want. I can treat and buy my family some gifts for their birthday and Christmas. I am studying on a Private University while I am earning my own money but there is one unknown thing that pulls me down. My anxiety is higher than usual, I’m getting an anxious feeling for no apparent reason.
I am starting to read this novel called “My Heart and Other Black Holes” by Jasmine Warga. I read this line that said “Running away from my black hole of a future, preventing myself from growing into the person I’m terrified of becoming. But just because it’s cowardly doesn’t guarantee it’s going to be easy.” It is a dilemma that I have in myself. I am coward or I’m just scared in the future. My future is the one thing that I cannot tell, I am not sure if I will wake up tomorrow, I am suicidal, I cannot tell how long will I stay here.
Sometimes, I am daydreaming how different this world if I left? Let’s start in my class. Better no news and shit, it may be covered up as Covid because it is a shame to have a suicide case in a class of Psychology, it will be ironic bitches. Next here in office, well they can hire someone who has an experience in HR but they will just have a conflict on turn-over because duh, I cannot do that if I’m an urn haha! Next in my friends, most of my friends knew about my condition well maybe rashelle and rizzy may be just sad and will not get over but Imma tell you this, they did great and will always be my best friends while on the other side of my so-called-friends which I will not just mention names, they must be rolling in the same grave as mine when I lost Ice and lemme tell you this. I don’t care on how long they will stew in their own regrets. Next on my family, the hardest part to leave, well I have trauma because of them but I cannot blame them for holding onto my trauma for a long time. I just want them to know how thankful I am to have them, My mom, My brother and my niece. The people that can make my depressed ass to live.
I will be sad of course, I will miss them tho who would not, right? but living is harder than just dying. If I will die today, I will not think what lunch should I eat tomorrow. LMAO
